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no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I have a black belt in leather
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.