My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
This is my emotional support knife.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:![]()
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING