For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
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I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.