Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
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If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?