Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
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Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”