Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?