Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
me when i see my girls butt
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked