People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
🤣🤣🤣
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?