[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas