“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.