guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Hamburger Hinderer.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him