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I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
me, too, girl. me, too.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Why font matters.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office