turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
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agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”