If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
😲 WTF? 😆
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.