*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
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This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
mood
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old