[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
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[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it