At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
That’s it.I’m out.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.