Who knew!
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I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I had to Stop for this
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks