I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Brother?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.