Just how popey was the pope today?
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Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
The opposite of goth is stopth.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein