Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
2 years later
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”