The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
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my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name