No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
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Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.