Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
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Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
From Facebook just now…
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.