Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I was just discussing this with my cat
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.