ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
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son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
S/o to @funTweeters .
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.