Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
January has been Januweary
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.