[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
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Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
the composer
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.