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Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
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17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Love this guy
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My beach vacation Google searches
I just ran a .003048K
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”