Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking