Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
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Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
water it, i dare you
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.