what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]