when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
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Probably my best painting.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “