COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.