People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
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Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125