The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.