normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
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I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.