{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.