Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
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He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
is this a warning or an offer?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*