The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
this is the greatest thing ever
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
No. He’s not coming out to play
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
LA today:
c’mon!
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.