If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
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They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Hitlers gonna hitl
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.