[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
When libraries troll their patrons.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.