Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Wednesday
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works