Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.