the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him