[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
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Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?