I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
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[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Waiting for the Charmin
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.