[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door