And bowling should be called pinball
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band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
im all 3