You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?